No Longer
*Kind of an ironic time to post this, considering I'm far away. But it was time to post something (that I wrote awhile ago when it would have made more sense) since it has been awhile.* (Pardon the overusage of the phrase "no longer")
Wave to the tide
It no longer conceals your eyes--
they say more than I ever hoped for
a glance takes us to a place where dream and reality collide
no longer faceless silhouettes searching in the night
wave to the tide
I no longer wait for it to bring word from your shore
in bottled messages I no longer confide
wave to the tide
with it goes the doubts we couldn't hide
your eyes
your eyes
your eyes mend the most tattered soul
Sunday, September 2, 2007
May 21, 2006 - Michelle
Michelle
for my sister Michelle...written...perhaps a year ago, just found it again.
I wish you knew
How much I respect you
For your happiness through the struggle
That reduces so many to rubble
We get lost in eloquence
Arranging words in perfect sequence
So much more difficult for you
Placed by God in conditions you can’t undo
and blessed with a double portion
of the greatest beyond emotion –
amazing patience and love
that you continually show us.
Even when we don’t understand
Or give your words second chance
What saddens me is that you may never know
The depth of admiration I could never show
Sorry I haven’t tried harder to listen and identify
Through you God has elected to testify
To teach so much more than the most erudite
I wonder what other truth you hide;
any other answers for you to illumine
in this darkness where we forget what it is to be human?
for my sister Michelle...written...perhaps a year ago, just found it again.
I wish you knew
How much I respect you
For your happiness through the struggle
That reduces so many to rubble
We get lost in eloquence
Arranging words in perfect sequence
So much more difficult for you
Placed by God in conditions you can’t undo
and blessed with a double portion
of the greatest beyond emotion –
amazing patience and love
that you continually show us.
Even when we don’t understand
Or give your words second chance
What saddens me is that you may never know
The depth of admiration I could never show
Sorry I haven’t tried harder to listen and identify
Through you God has elected to testify
To teach so much more than the most erudite
I wonder what other truth you hide;
any other answers for you to illumine
in this darkness where we forget what it is to be human?
May 15, 2006
Please pardon the lack of paragraphs.
For sometime now I have been reflecting on what it means to be a Christ-ian. Actually, no, I have been thinking about that title. I think that it is in fact, powerful but we do not think about it, hardly ever--at least I do not until recently. I would say that it has been corrupted because of lack of attention. An Evangelical Christian tends to refer to someone "born again", rescued from damnation by Christ's expiation of sins by grace granted to us. Once born again, one enters into "shar[ing] in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light" (Colossians 1:12). It seems that today what is important to people is entering into this community of believers, as if you have a new identity because you are now a part of this group. This brotherhood is powerful, it is a place where can learn from each other because we find our identity in Christ. To me, Christian means identifying myself with and in Christ which supersedes all other forms of identity, I am made new. Now, at this point you are nodding your head and saying “yes you are stating the obvious so get on with it.” Yes this is obvious and this is the way it should be, but is it really? Too much of what we do is associated with other followers of Christ and what they do and have done and rather than with the Word, Logos. Too often for one to be a Christian it is almost as if they have to live by the standards set by other Christians because they have established their identity. This seems skewed. It is as if we are forced to have to find our identity within the group of believers before we can find who we really are in Christ. I am not on a mission to bash anyone. I am just realizing how wonderful and powerful this concept is when we call ourselves Christians because I had been thinking about the suffix that comes after Christ. It just reminded me of how we say we are for example Italian and the –ian suffix means that we identify and associate ourselves with Italy. Yet I see a problem with using this as an example, because when you think of an Italian you will think of the other Italians you have met and the general stereotyped understanding of them rather than something deeper. I also want to make clear that I am not fighting against community, I just think it is sad that the identity of Christ has been tainted by human standards.
Return to your roots
Recall your identity--
Revealed by His Image
Replaced by the Son of Man
Rescued from frail humanity
Redeemed.
For sometime now I have been reflecting on what it means to be a Christ-ian. Actually, no, I have been thinking about that title. I think that it is in fact, powerful but we do not think about it, hardly ever--at least I do not until recently. I would say that it has been corrupted because of lack of attention. An Evangelical Christian tends to refer to someone "born again", rescued from damnation by Christ's expiation of sins by grace granted to us. Once born again, one enters into "shar[ing] in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light" (Colossians 1:12). It seems that today what is important to people is entering into this community of believers, as if you have a new identity because you are now a part of this group. This brotherhood is powerful, it is a place where can learn from each other because we find our identity in Christ. To me, Christian means identifying myself with and in Christ which supersedes all other forms of identity, I am made new. Now, at this point you are nodding your head and saying “yes you are stating the obvious so get on with it.” Yes this is obvious and this is the way it should be, but is it really? Too much of what we do is associated with other followers of Christ and what they do and have done and rather than with the Word, Logos. Too often for one to be a Christian it is almost as if they have to live by the standards set by other Christians because they have established their identity. This seems skewed. It is as if we are forced to have to find our identity within the group of believers before we can find who we really are in Christ. I am not on a mission to bash anyone. I am just realizing how wonderful and powerful this concept is when we call ourselves Christians because I had been thinking about the suffix that comes after Christ. It just reminded me of how we say we are for example Italian and the –ian suffix means that we identify and associate ourselves with Italy. Yet I see a problem with using this as an example, because when you think of an Italian you will think of the other Italians you have met and the general stereotyped understanding of them rather than something deeper. I also want to make clear that I am not fighting against community, I just think it is sad that the identity of Christ has been tainted by human standards.
Return to your roots
Recall your identity--
Revealed by His Image
Replaced by the Son of Man
Rescued from frail humanity
Redeemed.
May 06, 2006
I've been thinking about how melancholy--especially in nature--seems so beautiful and somehow resonates with my inner being. Each person is probably drawn to different aspects of nature or what they consider beautiful. I also have been thinking about how so much poetry is descriptive and while that is beautiful, much of it is more than that because it describes something else. In sum, sometimes we may really be drawn to various scenes of nature, because it is in fact an image of our soul or our inner condition. Maybe this is excessively introspect or self-revealing but this came about as I was trying to figure out why I will start out describing something and tie in these other elements at the end of a poem.
Blogs are whatever you make them right? Ok, so here goes for random on a very different note. My other thought for the day:
This is a very loose and weird analogy. Today I began to think that our faith or relationship with God is like brushing our teeth. At least for me. I know this has its weak points, but let me explain why I began to think this. The actual brushing and other teeth care stuff is comparable with praying, reading your Bible, be real with God...plain seeking after Him and growing in your faith. Sometimes I can go for awhile without really doing any of that and think that I'm doing pretty well, not brushing my teeth but avoiding eating sweets and things that will give me cavities and are bad for my teeth. Yet, this is still bad. On the other hand, there are the times in life when I take very good care of my teeth as far as cleaning yet go crazy on things that hurt them like the aforementioned "sweets and things". So that's not good either because my teeth are still not being treated well. So I could expand further, but that's as far as I wish to take it for now. This is pretty lame, but I thought I would post it as it was such a random thought that came to me as I was sitting in the car.
By the way, I love it when people leave you a comment on your blog to say hi but don't read what you write. I am guilty of it, but I try not to.
*******Added (5/14/2006)********
P.S.
Reflecting on what I wrote I realized what I sounded like with my final comment. I think I owe an apology because it was not nice in its tone. I think I was frustrated and I realize, yes it is hard if you want to communicate with someone or in a hurry or just want to say hi. I was frustrated because I seek feedback on what I write, more so on what may seem less accessible to people--poetry. Then I thought about how it is selfish to think that people should take the time to try and figure out what you are writing about and reflect on it. I also admire those that just write, they do not need people's comments. They write freely and confidently and there is no dependency. Thank you all of you for everything. And sorry if I was rude.
Blogs are whatever you make them right? Ok, so here goes for random on a very different note. My other thought for the day:
This is a very loose and weird analogy. Today I began to think that our faith or relationship with God is like brushing our teeth. At least for me. I know this has its weak points, but let me explain why I began to think this. The actual brushing and other teeth care stuff is comparable with praying, reading your Bible, be real with God...plain seeking after Him and growing in your faith. Sometimes I can go for awhile without really doing any of that and think that I'm doing pretty well, not brushing my teeth but avoiding eating sweets and things that will give me cavities and are bad for my teeth. Yet, this is still bad. On the other hand, there are the times in life when I take very good care of my teeth as far as cleaning yet go crazy on things that hurt them like the aforementioned "sweets and things". So that's not good either because my teeth are still not being treated well. So I could expand further, but that's as far as I wish to take it for now. This is pretty lame, but I thought I would post it as it was such a random thought that came to me as I was sitting in the car.
By the way, I love it when people leave you a comment on your blog to say hi but don't read what you write. I am guilty of it, but I try not to.
*******Added (5/14/2006)********
P.S.
Reflecting on what I wrote I realized what I sounded like with my final comment. I think I owe an apology because it was not nice in its tone. I think I was frustrated and I realize, yes it is hard if you want to communicate with someone or in a hurry or just want to say hi. I was frustrated because I seek feedback on what I write, more so on what may seem less accessible to people--poetry. Then I thought about how it is selfish to think that people should take the time to try and figure out what you are writing about and reflect on it. I also admire those that just write, they do not need people's comments. They write freely and confidently and there is no dependency. Thank you all of you for everything. And sorry if I was rude.
April 21, 2006 - Memories
[setting: koh samet december 2005]
The waves tire of trying to reach the shore
The confident roar replaced by weary sighs
The complexion of the coast fades
Heat gives way to melancholy breeze
Pale incandescence shudders on the quivering obsidian sea
Memories strewn across the blindfold
Scattered lights as spilt glitter haunt the silhouette
Faint intermittent glimpses from the outside
Bright enough to mesmerize
The shards of past out of reach yet in sight
Placed by you and me
Each as a glowing flare
Testimony to all we shared
For now I gaze at these memories
Wondering if on the other side, you see
The waves tire of trying to reach the shore
The confident roar replaced by weary sighs
The complexion of the coast fades
Heat gives way to melancholy breeze
Pale incandescence shudders on the quivering obsidian sea
Memories strewn across the blindfold
Scattered lights as spilt glitter haunt the silhouette
Faint intermittent glimpses from the outside
Bright enough to mesmerize
The shards of past out of reach yet in sight
Placed by you and me
Each as a glowing flare
Testimony to all we shared
For now I gaze at these memories
Wondering if on the other side, you see
March 28, 2006 - Sequestered Souls
sequestered souls
tonight the sky was dark
there was a gash in her veil
a lighter blue of topaz shone through the night's torn fabric
revealing a wound unknown, unseen, unfelt
stumbling through the dark
the mist glistened in the sparse light
the shadows, they just listened
as they sought refuge behind outstretched arms
a brisk zephyr rushed by
numbing all it came into contact with
wounds neglected, not permitted to mend
leaving souls sequestered
alone, in vessels that refuse to give voice
tonight the sky was dark
there was a gash in her veil
a lighter blue of topaz shone through the night's torn fabric
revealing a wound unknown, unseen, unfelt
stumbling through the dark
the mist glistened in the sparse light
the shadows, they just listened
as they sought refuge behind outstretched arms
a brisk zephyr rushed by
numbing all it came into contact with
wounds neglected, not permitted to mend
leaving souls sequestered
alone, in vessels that refuse to give voice
March 21, 2006
Spiritual Oppression
I had a thought a couple of weeks ago while in discussion with a friend. We were discussing spiritual warfare and eventually got around to the manifestations of it. I began to wonder, in our mindset that is so influenced by the enlightenment thinking of the 18th century, what is the spiritual warfare that goes on in America? As a culture that downplays the supernatural and is so reliant upon what can be proven and worships science, are we blind to spiritual movements because we cannot measure it or see it under the microscope?
At this point, you are thinking about how you have heard this before and this is nothing really new—common sense and something that is trite because we always reference it. My question is this, is the spiritual oppression and warfare that very thing that is so inextricably bound to our thinking—that which explains through reason and scientific proof? I wonder if we limit evil to supernatural phenomena that sends chills down our spines or the essence of fear. Could it be more subtle, giving the slightest nudge that causes us to go in a certain direction in our thinking? Am I giving too much credence to the opposition? I do not know.
Lending to my point/question is another thought that I had, which may again seem so obvious but I had to bring it up and see what others think. In my rumination on the topic of spiritual warfare I wondered about the limitations of spiritual oppressors. I began to think, everything must function under the system in which God created. I do not know if my reasoning is correct, but I see it that since God created the whole universe, everything is ultimately subject to His authority and the setup that He put into play. This led me to think that evil spirits are limited to the laws of physics and everything that holds the universe together. God is the only one that can make something happen that is above that system, one that defies it and happens anyway. He can make things that cannot be explained happen, He can cause miracles and whatever He pleases.
Why is this thinking significant to me? Because, if these thoughts have any sense to them at all it says a lot of science and the modern world. I am wondering that because evil is bound to the universe’s metaphysical system, are its movements occurring right before our eyes but we do not perceive it as such because we can provide a scientific explanation? If this is true, this culture is being struck with a double-whammy. Not choosing to be cognizant of spiritual oppression is of advantage to the enemy because it gives it free reign.
Feedback is very welcome, criticisms encouraged. I want to know what you think and if my thoughts are totally flawed or heretical. I want to grow in my learning and understanding, input from brothers and sisters only helps as we challenge each other. Challenge me.
I had a thought a couple of weeks ago while in discussion with a friend. We were discussing spiritual warfare and eventually got around to the manifestations of it. I began to wonder, in our mindset that is so influenced by the enlightenment thinking of the 18th century, what is the spiritual warfare that goes on in America? As a culture that downplays the supernatural and is so reliant upon what can be proven and worships science, are we blind to spiritual movements because we cannot measure it or see it under the microscope?
At this point, you are thinking about how you have heard this before and this is nothing really new—common sense and something that is trite because we always reference it. My question is this, is the spiritual oppression and warfare that very thing that is so inextricably bound to our thinking—that which explains through reason and scientific proof? I wonder if we limit evil to supernatural phenomena that sends chills down our spines or the essence of fear. Could it be more subtle, giving the slightest nudge that causes us to go in a certain direction in our thinking? Am I giving too much credence to the opposition? I do not know.
Lending to my point/question is another thought that I had, which may again seem so obvious but I had to bring it up and see what others think. In my rumination on the topic of spiritual warfare I wondered about the limitations of spiritual oppressors. I began to think, everything must function under the system in which God created. I do not know if my reasoning is correct, but I see it that since God created the whole universe, everything is ultimately subject to His authority and the setup that He put into play. This led me to think that evil spirits are limited to the laws of physics and everything that holds the universe together. God is the only one that can make something happen that is above that system, one that defies it and happens anyway. He can make things that cannot be explained happen, He can cause miracles and whatever He pleases.
Why is this thinking significant to me? Because, if these thoughts have any sense to them at all it says a lot of science and the modern world. I am wondering that because evil is bound to the universe’s metaphysical system, are its movements occurring right before our eyes but we do not perceive it as such because we can provide a scientific explanation? If this is true, this culture is being struck with a double-whammy. Not choosing to be cognizant of spiritual oppression is of advantage to the enemy because it gives it free reign.
Feedback is very welcome, criticisms encouraged. I want to know what you think and if my thoughts are totally flawed or heretical. I want to grow in my learning and understanding, input from brothers and sisters only helps as we challenge each other. Challenge me.
February 11, 2006
Truth?
Sometimes God implements themes into our lives because we simply cannot seem to see the point He is trying to get across. Looking at it after He has thrown the same thing at you from multiple angles is so interesting--especially when you realize how long it has taken you to finally get it. The current theme is honesty--in who we are and what we do. Christianity has become such an image thing where nobody is real with one another and so we feel so much like failures when it seems like everyone else has "it all together." The Christian image bears little or no verisimilitude. Truth is macabre and so to share it has become a faux pas. Truth will shatter your paradigm, it will break you but you will be so much better for it. So this theme had been running through my life and I was completely cognizant of the fact that I should do something about it. I had proven to be rather adroit in successfully dodging the issue continuously until I grew weary and could hear the ricochets coming closer and closer. Then I heard a speaker talk about how we are so incredibly bound by the gyves of Christian image that we cannot even be honest with God anymore. I was astonished, I could not believe that he was speaking on the topic of honesty because it had been the very thing I had been talking about with people and thinking about. I have come to realize that I had not known how to talk to God for a long time because I did not feel worthy of His grace and had to work out my mistakes on my own before I could approach Him in humility. I thought once I had accomplished that then I could attain the holiness that everyone else seemed to bear. Malarkey--or as some as you might prefer to say, BS!--we are all fallen, we all struggle and we need to share in that together. Quit perpetuating these fallacies.
Where am I going with this, what is my agenda? I have none but to share this self realization because I know that I have little to share that will be perceived as a new thought that moves people to change and am fully aware that this is not a new thought. Just one of those times where something in my life moved for once.
I recognize the banality of the subject as Christians are always seeking to inspire one another and write formulaic answers to stale faith, but how can I help but write of something that has touched me?
A question to end with: when we feign an image and our struggles are so surreptitious, does our worship, prayer and praise become adulation rather than true adoration? I just wonder how we can really fully worship God if we are dishonest withourselves, the community, and Him? Maybe I am wrong, but I see it as showing contempt by giving a blemished sacrifice. I had this thought after reading Malachi.
Sometimes God implements themes into our lives because we simply cannot seem to see the point He is trying to get across. Looking at it after He has thrown the same thing at you from multiple angles is so interesting--especially when you realize how long it has taken you to finally get it. The current theme is honesty--in who we are and what we do. Christianity has become such an image thing where nobody is real with one another and so we feel so much like failures when it seems like everyone else has "it all together." The Christian image bears little or no verisimilitude. Truth is macabre and so to share it has become a faux pas. Truth will shatter your paradigm, it will break you but you will be so much better for it. So this theme had been running through my life and I was completely cognizant of the fact that I should do something about it. I had proven to be rather adroit in successfully dodging the issue continuously until I grew weary and could hear the ricochets coming closer and closer. Then I heard a speaker talk about how we are so incredibly bound by the gyves of Christian image that we cannot even be honest with God anymore. I was astonished, I could not believe that he was speaking on the topic of honesty because it had been the very thing I had been talking about with people and thinking about. I have come to realize that I had not known how to talk to God for a long time because I did not feel worthy of His grace and had to work out my mistakes on my own before I could approach Him in humility. I thought once I had accomplished that then I could attain the holiness that everyone else seemed to bear. Malarkey--or as some as you might prefer to say, BS!--we are all fallen, we all struggle and we need to share in that together. Quit perpetuating these fallacies.
Where am I going with this, what is my agenda? I have none but to share this self realization because I know that I have little to share that will be perceived as a new thought that moves people to change and am fully aware that this is not a new thought. Just one of those times where something in my life moved for once.
I recognize the banality of the subject as Christians are always seeking to inspire one another and write formulaic answers to stale faith, but how can I help but write of something that has touched me?
A question to end with: when we feign an image and our struggles are so surreptitious, does our worship, prayer and praise become adulation rather than true adoration? I just wonder how we can really fully worship God if we are dishonest withourselves, the community, and Him? Maybe I am wrong, but I see it as showing contempt by giving a blemished sacrifice. I had this thought after reading Malachi.
January 23, 2006
I meant to clarify this last time, but it slipped my mind. I just wanted to say that although sometimes what I write may seem to be hopeless, confused, discouraged or have tinges of nihilism, I say all of these things in the context of my faith. At my very core, I know what I believe and I try to do all things based on that foundation. Most of us have struggles in our lives and faith and we have to find our way to resolve them as we seek community with others to share and be broken with so that we can help each other up. Because I know this, I do not feel the need to drop in that line of hope at the end like we tend to do when talking with those that are hurting. It is more real and honest if we say how we really feel and what we really think, because deep down I know God is there in His strength and compassion. I believe that thinkingwriting without acknowledging the pain and simply hiding in hope can stunt your growth. God knows when we are struggling because the Spirit intercedes with groans for us, and for us to not acknowledge what we are going through is not being honest with Him. Choosing to not resolve something completely and just push everything aside is the superficial copout to pain.
I realize that I have made many assumptions and so at least one of them is clarified. I feel right now I should insert a personal creed or declaration of faith that people can refer to, hehe.
Thanks to all who posted things in response to my last blog, it really is nice to get your support and encouragement. Yes, we all have a VISA (for travel, not creditcard) for earth, but we don't know when it will expire because our citizenship is elsewhere. (talk about cheeziness...hey, I'm corny, can I help it?)
Thus I will conclude with something I wrote in high-school on my senior trip. I have been never been satisfied with it, always feeling incomplete and unsure how to finish it, but I feel like posting something uplifting for once.
I gaze upon the blood red sky
It's ethereal incandescent beauty sends a chill down my spine
The haunting liturgical chant of the crickets lingers in the background
As the leaves gently whisper secrets into the wind
Crippled by veneration for your majesty
Overwhelmed with awe I am left mute
Surounded by your careful design,
To everything else around I am blind.
Surrounded by your glory
Only you can I see
I realize that I have made many assumptions and so at least one of them is clarified. I feel right now I should insert a personal creed or declaration of faith that people can refer to, hehe.
Thanks to all who posted things in response to my last blog, it really is nice to get your support and encouragement. Yes, we all have a VISA (for travel, not creditcard) for earth, but we don't know when it will expire because our citizenship is elsewhere. (talk about cheeziness...hey, I'm corny, can I help it?)
Thus I will conclude with something I wrote in high-school on my senior trip. I have been never been satisfied with it, always feeling incomplete and unsure how to finish it, but I feel like posting something uplifting for once.
I gaze upon the blood red sky
It's ethereal incandescent beauty sends a chill down my spine
The haunting liturgical chant of the crickets lingers in the background
As the leaves gently whisper secrets into the wind
Crippled by veneration for your majesty
Overwhelmed with awe I am left mute
Surounded by your careful design,
To everything else around I am blind.
Surrounded by your glory
Only you can I see
January 20, 2006
Where to start with this blog? It has been a long time since I last wrote one. I'm feeling a little brave tonight so forget the whole poem thing--the old stream-of-consciousness writing ensues.
I was thinking the other day why I started putting only poems or retarded "metaphorical" stories on here. I think I started on a path of a broader difference between the outside and within--to be even less serious and joke around more and yet write more introspective things on here. As if I was going to reveal some other hidden part of me, or even the real me or something, I do not even know what the real me is. Somehow I thought that I would get people's attention through what I wrote. Humph, silly idea that was. I guess in order to do that you have to write about relevant things or in a way that makes sense to people. So then I found myself in such a conflict, is it better to write in a way that is true to yourself and what you are trying to express? Or better to write less vaguely so people can more easily identify?
I just read a friend's blog and I feel so broken for him, what can I do? So much pain in the lives of people I know and regretting not saying the words to let them know of the vicarious hurt I feel for them, even if I never had the words. You, my friends that bear the scars of troubles, that come out stronger--are my heroes. You who mourn your losses and take on life with even more courage.
I did not set any New Year's resolutions this year. No, it was not that I resolved not to make resolutions or anything clever like that. I only hope that it was not a manifestation of my apathy. I had never been real big on it but I would try and change things I guess. Sheesh, talk of resolutions is so trite. Ok, moving on...
A struggle recently has been belonging. I always thought I would belong at home in that humid paradise of sweat and splendid food. Bangkok I will always love you. Thailand you are always my home. Then I met with my classmates and friends and I felt very out of place, which I was perplexed at initially because we had come from all over--none of us had seen each other in a while. But as I thought about it I realized that we were living such different lives, headed in different directions and that saddened me so. The decisions they make, the lifestyle that they live contrasted with mine. At times I felt as if maybe I was not really living life in this institution we call Simpson University, in an artificial atmosphere. Truly, being surrounded by Christians 24/7 is amazing in the fellowship I get, but it is so ersatz. I say this because when we are finished with our time here, we are in the real world again of nonbelievers. I'm not sure how to tie my several thoughts in here into one paragraph. Anyway, all this to say that I felt like it was difficult for me to identify with my friends and relate with their experiences because my life is so different. Not that I am jealous of their lives, I just felt empty. Especially because I felt like I would always have that closeness with them. Even more so because I felt between two worlds, not belonging to either. Because I am not a super-Christian, or as vibrantly expressive in my faith in this place of deep spirituality. Because I grew up overseas, I can get close to but not never quite relate with people here. [Do not get me wrong, people here are amazing, just the belonging is not quite there.] Home is where the heart is, but if the heart is reluctantly extirpated where is home? [I know I know, my family is still there. Duh, home is always with them but...you get what I mean.] 'Sigh, the human need to sense belonging.
I noticed that in the times I am feeling the most melancholy is sometimes when people laugh most at what I say. Kind of counter-intuitive I guess. But I guess humor makes it easier to hide.
Sometimes I wish I were like those people that write inspiring things or revelations from life that move people to live life differently or to think about stuff. Or to at least write about relevant things that matter, based on the constant outcry of pain and suffering in the world exacerbated by apathy and inaction.
Going back to living different lives than my friends...a difficult thought was, would I have lived any differently had I been in their situation? What foolish decisions would I have made, or even if I were put in them now would I fall?
Well that concludes for now. I thought I had much more to write when I started but this is what managed to leak out of my fumbled mind.
I was thinking the other day why I started putting only poems or retarded "metaphorical" stories on here. I think I started on a path of a broader difference between the outside and within--to be even less serious and joke around more and yet write more introspective things on here. As if I was going to reveal some other hidden part of me, or even the real me or something, I do not even know what the real me is. Somehow I thought that I would get people's attention through what I wrote. Humph, silly idea that was. I guess in order to do that you have to write about relevant things or in a way that makes sense to people. So then I found myself in such a conflict, is it better to write in a way that is true to yourself and what you are trying to express? Or better to write less vaguely so people can more easily identify?
I just read a friend's blog and I feel so broken for him, what can I do? So much pain in the lives of people I know and regretting not saying the words to let them know of the vicarious hurt I feel for them, even if I never had the words. You, my friends that bear the scars of troubles, that come out stronger--are my heroes. You who mourn your losses and take on life with even more courage.
I did not set any New Year's resolutions this year. No, it was not that I resolved not to make resolutions or anything clever like that. I only hope that it was not a manifestation of my apathy. I had never been real big on it but I would try and change things I guess. Sheesh, talk of resolutions is so trite. Ok, moving on...
A struggle recently has been belonging. I always thought I would belong at home in that humid paradise of sweat and splendid food. Bangkok I will always love you. Thailand you are always my home. Then I met with my classmates and friends and I felt very out of place, which I was perplexed at initially because we had come from all over--none of us had seen each other in a while. But as I thought about it I realized that we were living such different lives, headed in different directions and that saddened me so. The decisions they make, the lifestyle that they live contrasted with mine. At times I felt as if maybe I was not really living life in this institution we call Simpson University, in an artificial atmosphere. Truly, being surrounded by Christians 24/7 is amazing in the fellowship I get, but it is so ersatz. I say this because when we are finished with our time here, we are in the real world again of nonbelievers. I'm not sure how to tie my several thoughts in here into one paragraph. Anyway, all this to say that I felt like it was difficult for me to identify with my friends and relate with their experiences because my life is so different. Not that I am jealous of their lives, I just felt empty. Especially because I felt like I would always have that closeness with them. Even more so because I felt between two worlds, not belonging to either. Because I am not a super-Christian, or as vibrantly expressive in my faith in this place of deep spirituality. Because I grew up overseas, I can get close to but not never quite relate with people here. [Do not get me wrong, people here are amazing, just the belonging is not quite there.] Home is where the heart is, but if the heart is reluctantly extirpated where is home? [I know I know, my family is still there. Duh, home is always with them but...you get what I mean.] 'Sigh, the human need to sense belonging.
I noticed that in the times I am feeling the most melancholy is sometimes when people laugh most at what I say. Kind of counter-intuitive I guess. But I guess humor makes it easier to hide.
Sometimes I wish I were like those people that write inspiring things or revelations from life that move people to live life differently or to think about stuff. Or to at least write about relevant things that matter, based on the constant outcry of pain and suffering in the world exacerbated by apathy and inaction.
Going back to living different lives than my friends...a difficult thought was, would I have lived any differently had I been in their situation? What foolish decisions would I have made, or even if I were put in them now would I fall?
Well that concludes for now. I thought I had much more to write when I started but this is what managed to leak out of my fumbled mind.
November 30, 2005 - Diatribe Against the Diet Tribe
Diatribe against the Diet Tribe
Figure - plump,
Intellect - emaciated.
Social insouciance.
Christless crisis.
While I'm at it, here I go. I have had a problem with using the name of Christ without thinking, His name becomes a copout when we don't know what to say. I guess I am also tired of us throwing His name around to try as if we feel like we need to to prove our faith. Should not our actions and words be in the context of Christ? That people can tell by the way we talk that He is the starting point, the foundation for all we do and say? He should be evident, He should permeate our lives, not a mere name that we have to integrate into our speech. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am being defensive as someone that does not talk about my faith 24/7 against a conviction to do so more. Maybe I'm just jaded.
Hmm, that's probably the world's shortest diatribe. I guess I usually try to be more diplomatic and nonopinionated or relay my thoughts through metaphor or poetry that nobody understands. Arg, going against all my hesitancy and just saying it.
To explain is to ruin the effect, but oh well. For those that do not catch on "Diet Tribe" refers to the people of this land. Obsessed with the quick and easy solution to solve our problems without any effort. Going off of my last blog I guess (referring to what people read and what they write)--people do not like to think about things so you have to spell it out plain and simple (hrm, is that what I'm doing now?) so that they can get whatever substance out of it in as little time as possible. People just write whatever they are thinking--yet I guess that is what blogging is for. Moreover, I observe that people tend to prefer reading predigested material.
Or perhaps I just tend to favor high-falutin malarky.
Am I over-analyzing and being cynical for little reason? Likely. Am I fettered to the desire to look for the quick and easy way? More than I wish was true. Am I feeling insecure about posting what I am actually thinking? Yes. Is there a point to this paragraph? Not really.
The irony: this blog is predigested. All these words to explain 8 words (and its title) and give them context. [Originally the diatribe was meant to consist of just the first 8 words so consider them two separate sections]
I wonder if that came out right, I've been mulling over this for awhile and these are the thoughts that fought their way to the forefront of my mind as I wrote this.
Figure - plump,
Intellect - emaciated.
Social insouciance.
Christless crisis.
While I'm at it, here I go. I have had a problem with using the name of Christ without thinking, His name becomes a copout when we don't know what to say. I guess I am also tired of us throwing His name around to try as if we feel like we need to to prove our faith. Should not our actions and words be in the context of Christ? That people can tell by the way we talk that He is the starting point, the foundation for all we do and say? He should be evident, He should permeate our lives, not a mere name that we have to integrate into our speech. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am being defensive as someone that does not talk about my faith 24/7 against a conviction to do so more. Maybe I'm just jaded.
Hmm, that's probably the world's shortest diatribe. I guess I usually try to be more diplomatic and nonopinionated or relay my thoughts through metaphor or poetry that nobody understands. Arg, going against all my hesitancy and just saying it.
To explain is to ruin the effect, but oh well. For those that do not catch on "Diet Tribe" refers to the people of this land. Obsessed with the quick and easy solution to solve our problems without any effort. Going off of my last blog I guess (referring to what people read and what they write)--people do not like to think about things so you have to spell it out plain and simple (hrm, is that what I'm doing now?) so that they can get whatever substance out of it in as little time as possible. People just write whatever they are thinking--yet I guess that is what blogging is for. Moreover, I observe that people tend to prefer reading predigested material.
Or perhaps I just tend to favor high-falutin malarky.
Am I over-analyzing and being cynical for little reason? Likely. Am I fettered to the desire to look for the quick and easy way? More than I wish was true. Am I feeling insecure about posting what I am actually thinking? Yes. Is there a point to this paragraph? Not really.
The irony: this blog is predigested. All these words to explain 8 words (and its title) and give them context. [Originally the diatribe was meant to consist of just the first 8 words so consider them two separate sections]
I wonder if that came out right, I've been mulling over this for awhile and these are the thoughts that fought their way to the forefront of my mind as I wrote this.
October 20, 2005
*A little detour...a little more cynical than usual I guess...I wouldn’t really consider this a poem, more of an observation/criticism of what people look for in writing…
Detritus mopes along the sea floor
Normally consumed by the bottom-feeders
Strangely enough in this time and age
Scavengers come from all corners
For a delicacy oh so relished
Of decayed substance
In search of the immediately digestible
For it produces instantaneous results
Forgotten is nutrition--
Value found in rumination
*Perhaps this is incomplete, but at least the thought is out…
Detritus mopes along the sea floor
Normally consumed by the bottom-feeders
Strangely enough in this time and age
Scavengers come from all corners
For a delicacy oh so relished
Of decayed substance
In search of the immediately digestible
For it produces instantaneous results
Forgotten is nutrition--
Value found in rumination
*Perhaps this is incomplete, but at least the thought is out…
September 27, 2005 - Pinata
Pinata
Pinata
Empty hollow
No prize inside
Smashed beaten
Swings left and right helplessly
Long-suffering for the sake of entertainment
With hope that truth will captivate
Fear that truth induces further beating
Pain by disappointment
When discovered
There is nothing to be found
The silence of the children is piercing
As they walk away in disappointment
After watching nothingness spill to the ground
Pinata
Empty hollow
No prize inside
Pinata
Empty hollow
No prize inside
Smashed beaten
Swings left and right helplessly
Long-suffering for the sake of entertainment
With hope that truth will captivate
Fear that truth induces further beating
Pain by disappointment
When discovered
There is nothing to be found
The silence of the children is piercing
As they walk away in disappointment
After watching nothingness spill to the ground
Pinata
Empty hollow
No prize inside
September 14, 2005 - Living Demise
Living demise
Murmurs that caused such turmoil
Buried somewhere ‘neath the soil
Mistakenly my pulse was tossed among the forbidden
Now I can’t seem to remember where they were hidden
A long time passed before I knew it was lost
Before I began to feel my heart lined with frost
For as the last layer of dirt was lain
At that moment emotions were slain
Murmurs that caused such turmoil
Buried somewhere ‘neath the soil
Mistakenly my pulse was tossed among the forbidden
Now I can’t seem to remember where they were hidden
A long time passed before I knew it was lost
Before I began to feel my heart lined with frost
For as the last layer of dirt was lain
At that moment emotions were slain
September 7, 2005 - Painter's Metaphor
Painter's Metaphor
The guise of metaphor feels so safe
But I ache to be found
For this place is an empty sepulcher
Produce the painting that will be enjoyed for aesthetics
Hoping that someone will see the purpose
…behind each careful brushstroke
behind the painter’s selection from his palette
yet not miss the overall story as displayed on canvas
then the artist wonders
does he paint from false inspiration
out of the relentless need for expression
or out of the simple joy of doing what he loves
hoping for sympathy he paints trails along the ground
they all lead to himself
only to find that he has painted himself into a corner
nowhere to go but to wait, afraid of who will discover
curious to see who has felt the same
The guise of metaphor feels so safe
But I ache to be found
For this place is an empty sepulcher
Produce the painting that will be enjoyed for aesthetics
Hoping that someone will see the purpose
…behind each careful brushstroke
behind the painter’s selection from his palette
yet not miss the overall story as displayed on canvas
then the artist wonders
does he paint from false inspiration
out of the relentless need for expression
or out of the simple joy of doing what he loves
hoping for sympathy he paints trails along the ground
they all lead to himself
only to find that he has painted himself into a corner
nowhere to go but to wait, afraid of who will discover
curious to see who has felt the same
August 12, 2005 - Flotsam
Flotsam
Somehow my soul was jettisoned from this vessel
Leaving it not more than a ghost ship
Tired of sailing whichever way the wind blows
The stars have been veiled
Not permitting any sense of direction
Somewhere along the way the anchor was lost
Leaving this boat to drift, drift aimlessly
Yet stubborn determination drives me onward
To sail to where I do not know
To blindly pull back the translucent curtains of fog
Somehow my soul was jettisoned from this vessel
Leaving it not more than a ghost ship
Tired of sailing whichever way the wind blows
The stars have been veiled
Not permitting any sense of direction
Somewhere along the way the anchor was lost
Leaving this boat to drift, drift aimlessly
Yet stubborn determination drives me onward
To sail to where I do not know
To blindly pull back the translucent curtains of fog
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