the beginning

New beginnings.

I suppose it is not so new, I have spent the last 17 out of 26 years of life in school. While it was so normal before, starting again after not being in it for 4 years is strange.

Hard to believe the first week back is already coming to an end. I know that it is going to move fast and its going to be filled with plenty of stress, joy and newness.

There is a strange reversal as I am older than my wife and so I was out of school and working for several years while she finished up. I think she almost feels left out as some of her friends and peers are still in school and here I am starting up again.

The familiarity of boredom and restlessness is still present. I thought I would escape this because of doing what I want to do, paying for it myself, and knowing more clearly what the end result is. Nope! You still get bored in class and you still get boring teachers! Reality check!

The night before school began I battled some fear induced insomnia. Questions, so many questions. I wondered, am I doing the right thing? Am I right for the field of social work, is it right for me? Did I make this decision on my own without God's leading? Should I be feeling extremely passionate and excited instead of nervous?

I spent the first 4 hours of the first day in an orientation then scooted off to class. Three hours and then an additional hour of lab with the same professor. He told us that there was no way he was going to keep us for the full 4 hours because he can't talk that long. What a relief!

The reality? He really enjoyed the sound of his own voice and did talk the entire 4 hours.

I thought I was going to die.

On my first day of class?

I really began to question myself if I was getting this bored on the first day in my first class. Fortunately my wife talked some sense into me and got me over my doubts and self-inadequacy.

I am excited to learn and be in the classroom again. To glean from the incredible experience of my peers who have such diverse backgrounds and have done so much and to supplement my experience with theory and knowledge and to understand more. I am excited to do an internship in a new place.

Since it is a new experience I am excited to try and make new habits, to know that it is a fresh start.

Well, some habits die hard. Already procrastinating...

Its definitely a new lifestyle. Riding a bike to school! That is an adventure--anyone that knows me well has probably seen how maladroit I am when it comes to bikes!

all for now. sorry for the scattered, incongruous thoughts.

slam poetry

I don't really know much about slam poetry, but from what I have seen of it I really think it is cool. I admire the poets that spew out their stories and imagery with such force and feeling that it can really get you stirred up! Here are a couple that I have enjoyed:

Shane Koyczan, "the crickets have arthritis" - friend showed this to me after we had a little poetry session at someone's house.


And this one I found when at Mat Kearney's website looking for the release of his new album. His name is Anis Mojgani.

you have any favorite slam poets? I'm relatively new to this. I apologize that I can't post the videos, or I just don't know how! (update, as you noticed, I think I figured out how!)

prayer, God's presence

I just really wanted to highlight my good friend's reflections on prayer and acknowledging God's presence in our lives, even in the mundane or as we go through our tasks. I think he really captures it well and believe that his thoughts and words will inspire and bless you: Urban Margin

What are your thoughts on constant prayer and God's presence?

transitions

Transitions oh transitions!

The other day my supervisor let me know that the director paid me a compliment. She has a habit of notifying me of the things he says because he would never actually say it to me. It is a very kind thing for her to do. He said that I had handled the transitions over the last few months very well and remarked on how smooth it was.

Today is a good day to reflect on that. Wednesday actually marked my last day of employment, where I had worked for a little over two years. While not very long, it felt long as there were so many changes as is the nature of this kind of work paired with a structure more akin to an organism, constantly shaping and shifting in response to what comes its way.

As I write, I am waiting for a call to let me know when I should do my exit interview today. I realize that this is actually pivotal to my transition into returning to the education world. I could choose to complain about things that bothered me and I held my tongue on. I could get all puffed up and spew it all out and leave in a mess. Then I think about how important is this? Is it worth it? What is most important? I think about relationships that I value and most of all I am continually drawn to loving people and doing that well. I think that the way I leave must demonstrate that. That doesn't mean not being honest or truthful, but doing so in a way that is constructive, positive, and praying for the best for them.

If I were to leave in a negative fashion, I think part of myself would remain behind. Therefore, hindering transition. While my experience has been mostly good and I have been treated well, nobody is perfect. Although I reflect on this, I certainly wasn't entertaining the idea of leaving in a raging tirade. Its more important that I think things through and realize that I have to live out my convictions especially in light of my last blog on love.

I think have to be honest with them and leave everything there. If I leave wishing I had said this or that, and hold on to "well I was wronged this way" and "that wasn't fair" and "really, they owe me big time" or any other kind of thing I am in the wrong by keeping a list of their faults (not loving them). I would hinder myself from growth by not moving on in my journey, by leaving a part of me there.

As I write this, I am reminded of something that I tell the teens all the time. It is not what about other people do, we cannot let that affect our actions and thoughts. In the end we are responsible for our own actions and responses. When we react, we think we are God because truly each person is accountable to Him and for us to think we should carry out justice is foolish.

I have learned a lot over the last two years and I owe that to the experiences provided me and the graciousness and flexibility of those older and wiser than me. I am thankful to the kids that let me be a part of their lives and inspired me with their stories, most of the time without knowing it. I am thankful for the endless opportunities to love and forgive. Sometimes I feel my love is very small and on low supply, but I don't ever recall Jesus saying that it would be easy to love. He said just do it because it is the most important thing. If life were perfect and everyone was good to each other, we might not realize our acts of love.

What do your transitions look like? How are you challenged to love people?

love

The other day I had some ample time to think while transporting one of my residents to a home visit. I had the drive back alone to consider my frustration at my situation and my supervisor. I began to outline what I might say to them, how I have felt treated unfairly or wronged and started to check off a mental list of all the times that had happened.

As my feelings welled up within me as I relived each moment, I tried to reason with myself and lose the frustration and be rational. As I believe to be good practice I did my best to see it from the other person's perspective and was able to do so, of course with some of my own quick rebuttals and comments in defense. At this point, I usually debate over what makes more sense, unfortunately, I am biased towards myself. Yes, how's that for an understatement?

This is where things took an interesting turn and I think the Spirit took over and redirected my thoughts. I began to think about Matthew 22:34-40, where Jesus is asked what the greatest commandment is. First he says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" which references Deuteronomy. Then he says, And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself' which is from Leviticus.

I'm sure we've all heard sermons or reflections on this. But I find it so interesting, that Jesus doesn't stop with the greatest commandment, he says what is second and says that they are similar. You might naturally think that it would be #1 Love God, and #2 don't do bad things. No! He says to love others, he says to love our enemies.

I hear this all the time, put others before yourself. Or the cute little reminder:
Jesus
Others
Yourself

For the most part, we think of just putting up with those we don't like and being patient. Or being nice. Or serving the under privileged.

So I wondered, where is this going? I questioned then, what is love? This is where I was directly convicted. Naturally, I was directed to 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, love is kind, etc etc. You know it, you've heard it.

Love keeps no records of wrongs. Wow, Holy Spirit, could you be any more clear? Here I was, digging up every time I felt wronged because I had been treated rudely and yet I'm being told that if I am to love this person I can't keep a record of their wrongs against me. This blew me away! I think that in my experience in life, Christians will live by this with other Christians for the most part because we preach forgiveness.

But think about it, how many people do you know that has written somebody off because of reasons A-Z and will not associate with them any more. Or so and so aren't talking because he did this. How many divorces are born out of wrongs held against each other?

The beginning of 1 Corinthians 13 in verse 3 says, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing." Dang. Here I am, I work to serve teens and I am mad at my boss. If I can't love my boss, then my work with these teens means nothing. Ouch.

Very sobering and convicting. And yet freeing. This same kind of love that I am told to extend towards others if offered to me. I am so endlessly thankful for this love that keeps no records of my wrongs.

What are your thoughts on love and loving your neighbor?

[To tie things together...I made peace with my boss. It was largely a misunderstanding and communication misfire.]

follow up

Friends' comments on the previous blog got me thinking a little more.

I do think about how we can look back and it can be embarrassing to see how juvenile we might have been acting or feeling in a certain situation. It is surprising to see that it can really feel like a memory that belongs to someone else, probably because we are doing our best to erase or suppress it. I guess what I am seeing is that whether we like it or not, those things that we regret or rather not see are a part of us and play a formative role in getting us to where we are now! I think that it is a clear statement that says you have grown up and changed from the person in that memory.

A little over a week ago, I was talking with one of my teens about regret. She regretted making certain decisions and just could not get over the fact that she had done so. I heard myself telling her that we cannot live with regret otherwise we are not alive and we continue to live in the past--it prevents us from moving forward and living in the present. I think I needed to hear it too, we all do sometimes! We have to remember that our mistakes should not be relived and continually lamented because there is nothing we can do about it except learn from it. We were able to talk about the strength that she had gained from her decisions, the path she was currently on as a result, and how much more informed and equipped she is than the average person!

Sometimes too, it is hard to remember that grace is free and is infinitely abundant. At times we fail to accept the grace offered us for our wrongs and relive and essentially re-sin by going back to a specific moment. Why condemn ourselves when already forgiven?

I started wondering as well, how many of these "moments" that we go through are we IN right now? Are there things that I feel are so important or are upset about but will think only trivial in the future? If so, what can I do to see that now, to learn from the past to prevent regret in the present and the future? Are there areas in your life that need changing so that you don't look back and say, "man I wish...".

If it seems like I'm on two different tracks, I am. I think that there is a balance, of seeing how we change; admitting and accepting that we are just different from who we WERE; not living in regret; living in light of our past and learning from it.

foreign

I looked back at some of my previous blogs over the past few years. So many of them meant so much to me and were deeply personal or a sincere expression of what was going on at the time, it is interesting to reconnect with them and remember some of the thoughts, visions, and feelings. At the same time it feels foreign, as if my mind or heart is in a different place because it doesn't come up with those poems or pictures or stories as it did before. I wonder, is it suppressed or is this just a different phase of life? Part of me longs to write like that again, to always have these ideas popping into my mind. Another wonders, am I simply a different person than I was then? Life is interesting, always changing, I think it is so important to document in some form because everything looks different in retrospect. I think it is good to see how we thought or felt in a certain situation and compare it with now, knowing bigger picture and having more context. Some things might upset us in the moment and now we see it wasn't that big of a deal, and we can learn from it.

I think too, that it stirs up our passions and desires that we put aside or stifle. When we can look back and see and feel something that we care deeply about. I consider my poems prayers and so it is cool to revisit them and pray them all over again.

Do you ever experience anything like this? Whether it is looking through an old journal, or photos, or an old Bible or sermon notes or yearbooks or art projects?

information overload

Well, it has been a long while since I have been on here. I should be inspired by my very prolific writer/artist wife who manages to put up several posts a week. I have had a few different ideas on my mind but wasn't sure how to write about them.

A few months back I thumbed through a journal that Na and I shared as we reflected on chapters from Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution. He talks about spiritual bulimia, this sort of pattern where we take in as much as we can and we spit right out with those of us around us, not taking the time to absorb and digest it. While he was discussing it on the level of spiritual matters it got me thinking about information.

We have so much right at our fingertips with lightning fast internet and our 4g networks and XmRadio and tv. I find that I am out there looking for new things, new information to absorb and read all the time. The internet is such an amazing resource for random information. What I have noticed is the ability for retention is significantly reduced because I have all this information right at hand. Why bother to really remember something when I could just look it up?

Another strange and possibly scary thing is that I find that I read a lot of things without really reading them. If that makes any sense, I have noticed I will click on a bunch of articles and lose interest before I finish or find that I am simply skimming it for interesting parts. As I close the window or tab, I often walk away with not much more than I started with in my mind.

I think that part of this is linked in to an addiction to accessing the information. I find myself wanting to log on and see what information I can find when I could be doing more important things. I even look forward to it when I am doing other things. Hours and hours go away and there is still more out there. Perhaps this is a personal slump, but I wonder in this day and age where we are constantly distracted if there are others, many others, out there like me? I find it disturbing that my consumption is like that of what Shane Claiborne calls spiritual bulimia, I graze the information without really processing it and move on. I have observed as well that due to not wanting to dwell on a certain subject for too long I can often avoid issues that are important and that run deeper. Instead I might spend a long time researching something of little substance.

It is kind of an empty feeling, as if you are going in each day to distract yourself from something else. I think that this simply comes in different forms. People distract themselves by spending hours playing video games, alcohol, tv, drugs, sports, obsessing over almost anything. What is it? Is it knowing that we are called to more responsibility and accountability and yet are overwhelmed with it? Are we afraid to face ourselves or the questions that persist when we STOP? Are we avoiding the people around us, avoiding deep, real relationships? Are we drowning out God's voice with noise? Are we avoiding Him?

shoutout

It's been awhile since I've posted. Sorry! I just wanted to take the time to give a shout out to my wife who's taken up blogging. I may be biased but she puts up very cool, artsy stuff. Also, she's quite a prolific blogger so you won't have long lapses between posts. So here it is, highly recommended, five stars, five thumbs up:
nafitz.blogspot.com

boxing day

On December 26, also known as Boxing Day, we went to my grandfather-in-law's(is that accurate?) church in San Diego. We were late of course, perhaps for consistency sake, and walked into the service as they were wrapping up the singing. If I recall correctly, they were in a series that was going through Christ's genealogy. Very fitting, I thought, but then the pastor started in a direction that I thought was very interesting and somewhat intense considering the season.

He covered David and Bathsheba. A king committing adultery, impregnating the woman while her husband is at war, coming up with ways to make her husband think he it was his own, ordering that Uriah be in the front line then draw back so death is definite, the illegitimate child dies, David mourns for days then worships God, God sends Nathan to get David to essentially condemn himself. Heavy in the midst of lights, dessert, gifts and Charlie Brown. But he hit something that I've been thinking about.

He talked about un-confessed sin. He gave a recent example of how he had ordered a netbook for his wife. It arrived, but it wasn't exactly what he wanted. He did notice that the cable was substantially longer than the one he had for his computer and was compatible! He confessed being tempted to switch the cables out as he returned the unwanted computer for the one he wanted, thinking that a) they wouldn't notice and b) he deserved it for the inconvenience.

Now this may be a silly example, but it touched on a reality that plays out in both big and small ways. The truth is that it doesn't matter the size of the issue, wrong is wrong. What it pointed out for me is that a lot of times we don't trust God, that He is Just and will handle matters. I find that when I feel I am wronged, I want to take justice into my own hands by righting the situation for myself. Maybe I'm extra corrupt, but examples of this could be where you're upset that your boss makes you work overtime without compensation. So, what do you do? You might Facebook at work to get your time back, or you might buy yourself a coffee at the companies expense. Here you think, I've been wronged, so if I do a wrong in return, I'm justified. Well, you might rationalize it so it doesn't sound that negative, but its the same.

I think it is so easy to fall into these traps. When we've been wronged, we still need to be obedient and do what is right. It is so tempting and in a lot of situations its almost expected, but we are called to something better. The implications can be scary too because you are taking control and saying that you don't trust God to take care of you/situation or that He knows what is going on. In addition, you lower yourself to the "oppressor's" level and are consequently, one and the same.

A lot of times you can think you are doing the right thing and it may even seem morally sound. We have to pray as we act and trust that God will lead us so what is right.

I don't know if I just have a little bit of a vengeance streak in me or if others struggle with this type of thing. But I'm praying through the thoughts and learning to trust that God is ever present. I'm learning that so many times things seem "gray" and its hard to tell what is right and wrong when everything seems a little bit of both.

God, may we release everything to you. May Your Will be done, NOT mine!

unfinished

Well...it's been a VERY long time since I've been on here. We'll see about trying to start up again.
Wrote the beginnings of...something...want to jot it down on here before I lose it...

Breathe into these sails
mend the holes
made by the white flags
of surrender

seeds

Something I have been excited about doing and learning as I go is gardening. This spring we decided to tear up the old garden at the group home and start anew. We made it an outing for the day, going to Lowe's and picking out all sorts of vegetables, flowers and plants. The whole thing was meant to be a group effort, and yet I think people just liked the idea of picking out the plants without actually doing the work. This meant that me and one other resident did all the work after leaving for my time off and finding that they remained unplanted.

With everything planted I kept thinking of more places to plant, noticing little places on the side of the house where we could grow stuff. The possibilities are endless! I don't know if I'm doing stuff right, but I'm learning as I'm going and its fun. Its fun to watch the plants grow and feel that you have some part in it.

Yesterday, I dug up some earth on the side of the house that was being wasted. Last year it was an eye sore as weeds always sprouted up and then died there. I had been trying how to take care of that spot and make it more beautiful when I remembered that we had bok choi seeds. After turning the soil and hoeing it and smoothing it out, I began to plant. I couldn't help but remember the parable (nonbiblical) of the king that tested the people by giving them soil with seeds to take care of. He gave out pots to a group and said that they return after a certain passing of days. One boy watered and watered his to no avail, nothing would grow. He looked at his peers in wonder as their plants sprouted. When the time came, they all presented their plants to the king proudly, except the one boy who humbly presented his lowly pot that only contained soil. It turns out that this was a test of honesty, and all failed except the one boy.

A few weeks ago, we talked about the parable of the talents in church. The pastor mentioned that someone had posed the question of what if the person that was given the least number of talents/currency was actually the most gifted of the servants and the master expected him to put his skills to use to make something of the little he was given? What a different perspective on the story!

I'm trying to piece together my thoughts from these two stories as it leads to questions for me. I'm thinking, how often do we almost feel pressured to have results or something to show in our lives or ministry? I think a lot, because we tend to like success or what we view as something that makes our work worthwhile. Its natural for us as humans. I recall missionaries sharing their difficulty in working in France and coming back and having very little to speak of as far as concrete success. People don't like to hear that. They had been missionaries in Africa and people loved hearing their stories of hundreds of people coming to faith. But, does God see all this the way we do? How often is he asking us to be faithful and honest with what he has given us? Does he see a different purpose for what he asks us to do? Are we ever guilty of sneaking in seeds in our soil when we freak out that nothing is growing? Maybe, he's trying to show us something different.

I fear that at times, when life is shaken up and our faith nears faltering that we look for something, anything to grab ahold of to show us that we are doing the right thing or to affirm us. We look in the wrong place. These false seeds are our idols; when we want to SEE and TOUCH something after being led by fire and cloud we build a golden calf.

So, though at times you seem to have little, have faith because you don't know what God has in mind and He can do much more through you than you can by planting your own seeds of success. We are accountable to Him in the end, so don't forge his seal of approval on your work.

potential project

Been sitting on this one for awhile, but I think I've decided that I will do some character sketches that tell the stories of the kids that I work with. I think that it would be a useful reflective tool, to help me remind myself why it is that I work with them. This job of working in a group home with teens that come from such difficult pasts can quickly get tiresome and frustrating because we get caught up in their behavior. It is a chance to take a step back and see that although they are annoying and cuss and yell at you that they are broken and have had messed up lives.

There is an issue with confidentiality that I am still mulling over. I am thinking that of course, their names will be changed and maybe some details as well. There could be some potential problems with doing this, but I don't know how it all works. (if you know anything on this, some advice?). They just have such interesting stories that they probably don't even think much about, but that we could learn from.

Brennan Manning on the prodigal

from the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning page 189. On the prodigal son:

"I am moved that the father didn't cross-examine the boy, bully him, lecture him on ingratitude, or insist on any high motivation. He was so overjoyed at the sight of his son that he ignored all the canons of prudence and parental discretion and simply welcomed him home. The father took him back just as he was.

What a word of encouragement, consolation, and comfort! We don't have to sift our hearts and analyze our intentions before returning home. Abba just wants us to show up. We don't have to tarry at the tavern until purity of heart arrives. We don't have to be shredded with sorrow or crushed with contrition. We don't have to be perfect or even very good before God will accept us. We don't have to wallow in guilt, shame, remorse, and self-condemnation. Even if we still nurse a secret nostalgia for the far country, Abba still falls on our neck and kisses us."

Prodigal son is one of the most preached on topics but I think it is because we all identify with it in the different phases of our lives.

portrait

we try and paint
life as we see it
our self-portraits look like Picasso's--
distorted, twisted, mangled.
we couldn't ever capture
You on canvas, so
our brush strokes say--
fields of swaying gold,
kaleidescope sunrises,
untameable seas--
they are reflections
of the origin of beauty,
hidden signatures.
Yet,
our self-portraits are telling
of what we truly see
For,
if we are the image of the unseen
then my Picasso
is You.

a reflection on how we allow our imperfections and sin to weigh us down, to mar our self-image, to live in that darkness when that is not what God sees when he looks at us. he sees that we are hidden with Christ in glory, our wrongs are forgiven. we are redeemed, we are renewed. this comes in response to times where you feel as if you loathe yourself, as it is hard to see change or growth even as you strain for it and pray for it. yet, if we cannot look at ourselves in light of redemption then we are dishonoring our Creator, for we are in His image. we ultimately project ourselves on Him.